If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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