so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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