I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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