our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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