Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
