I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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