There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
