So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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