I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
