I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
