i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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