i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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