I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
