I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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