There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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