I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
