First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
