I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
