I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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