After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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