Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
