my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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