You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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