You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need a burrito and a hug.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
