Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
