Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
