We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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