I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
