so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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