I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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