I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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