Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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