Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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