apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
