I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
