I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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