I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
