So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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