When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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