My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
