He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
