I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
