guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
