Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
there was a trapeze. enough said
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
