so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
