Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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