Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
