Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
