Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
