screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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