I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
