it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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