I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
