I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
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I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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