If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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