Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
