A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
